tammy's deposit box

2011-12-02T03:01:00.001-08:00

when i look back, i know i wouldn't have done it any other way.

i needed this. i needed to realise what was important to me. and now that i do realise, it's time to fight for it.

2011-11-29T17:20:00.001-08:00

i miss.

i miss waking up to your face, snoozing in on a sunday morning
i miss your driving, no matter how reckless i think you can be at times
i miss you eating the food i cook, because when you compliment me - it motivates me
i miss watching movies with you, in bed, at the cinemas
i miss eating silently with you.. it is comforting to know that we don't always need to talk
i miss our random trips to coles, to buy unnecessary items to cater to our laziness
i miss your hugs, they always make me feel safe
i miss going on roller coaster rides with you, because you are always there when i chicken out at the last minute
i miss the fact that you are always willing to go swimming with me, no matter how lazy you feel
i miss you letting me make decisions on what to eat for dinner, it worked out easier for us both
i miss your smile, that smile kept me going.

2011-11-28T23:39:00.001-08:00

I've been so preoccupied with trying to pinpoint how I feel that I have forgotten what is important.

It is important to realise that no one is perfect, that there is no one in this world that could possibly fulfil everyone's expectations. We are all flawed, all messed up... and all broken. But it is how we make of these broken pieces, which is most important.

2011-11-27T01:05:00.001-08:00

The power of words.

Don't listen to me, because all I will give you are words.

2011-10-29T21:40:00.001-07:00

hold on to me tight,
promise me it will be all right...

2011-10-24T05:16:00.000-07:00

this game is not for the ones with a light heart.

2011-10-13T02:50:00.000-07:00

Sometimes the right thing to do.. is to turn the other way and just keep walking.

We are all afraid of being alone. But we'll make it through.

Just have some faith. There is love in this world.

2011-10-11T03:26:00.002-07:00

Is that all I am to you?

wanting:

2011-08-07T07:29:00.000-07:00

1. grow my damn fringe out + straight cut my hair
2. cut some bangs in my hair again, totally contradicting #1
3. get some back ups of my HG Dior scupt lifting smoothing concealer
4. find my perfect winter coat, although, this might not happen since winter is drawing to an end
5. buy a new shiseido white lucent cleansing foam
6. fix the damn colour on my phone
7. stop buying new clothes, learn to dig into my closet more since there are so many pieces i never wear anymore
8. perhaps book in a stall @ camberwell mkt??
9. new majorlica majorca masacara or original fairydrops masacara
10. get my sideways cross necklace
11. new curler. yes, new curler.

2011-08-07T07:21:00.001-07:00

time to make the right choices.

2011-06-20T20:27:00.000-07:00

I like being in control of many things that happen in my life. I like controlling people in my life.

Lately, I've been wondering whether this is a good or bad thing...

Is there a difference in being a control freak over your loved ones vs. being overprotective of them? It's a fine line.

Firstly, I know I am overprotective. I don't like it when he goes out on one on one dates with his female friends. I don't like it when I am aware that he speaks to them on the phone. I don't like it when I see slight inappropriate comments on his fb with other girls.

But I think all of this leads to the fact that I don't want to lose him to some other girl...

& yes, I'm the type of girlfriend that likes knowing where he is, what he is doing.

I seem to be the epitome of a disastrous girlfriend.

Should I accept who I am? Because he doesn't seem to mind that I am like this...

But I DO mind that I am this way. It obstructs me from doing the things I want to do, it stops me from living my life the way I should.

And to be honest, he doesn't show the same overprotectiveness/controlling traits like I do... and in a way, it makes me feel like the stupid, vulnerable one.. & maybe if he does show me this side more often, I wouldn't feel like the stupid one. In a way, his unwillingness makes me feel like I love him more than he loves me... even though I know it really isn't the case.

I don't want to be the stupid one who gets her heart broken because she stupidly gave everything and exposed her feelings too much.

After my last r'ship, I promised myself that whoever I would be with next, I would communicate all my feelings to them. I wouldn't let things conjure up inside of me and make a mess of it.

But maybe, this is what I need to do again. Be strong, stop showing how I feel... and control myself first.

2011-06-18T22:46:00.000-07:00

the problem was never her. it was me all along. i was just way too overprotective and didn't want to share you with anyone else.

2011-06-08T21:12:00.000-07:00

My motivations in life should be for myself, not for anyone else. It seems that I lost that part of me by having you around.

Remembering and learning that it is okay to be by yourself once in a while.

2011-05-27T20:17:00.000-07:00

" We make a living by what we get, but we make a life with what we give" - Sir Winston Churchill

2011-05-22T01:35:00.000-07:00

Thank you for what you have done for me. I understand what I mean to you. My only hope is that you will one day see that I would do the same for you.

*

The past 3 weeks seem like a roller coaster ride. And as I try to explain to my family and friends how I feel each day, I think it's tiresome for them... and beginning to be stressful for me.

Yes, I do need you in my life. Yes, I do want you to remain in my life as my other half.

But as I continue to dwell in these horrible feelings, I slowly lose myself...

What do I want to do with my own life? Maybe if I figure this out first.... I'll have hope finding a proper solution.

Love, should we use our brains or our hearts?

2011-05-19T23:23:00.000-07:00

Love is always associated with the heart. Humans have always believed that love comes from the heart, that we feel the most when we use our hearts. But should we really be using our hearts when it comes to relationships?

It's the same old cliche story, girl meets boy, they fall in love... and soon they are in a deep relationship which seems like nothing could break them apart. The reality is, no matter what intimate relationship we are in, the partners we are with are always different to us. They will always be on a different 'wave length' - since no two individuals are the same right?

But what happens when these differences draw two lovers apart? The result is perhaps a relationship which is held together only by the love they have for each other.

Is this enough?

I'm guilty of being blinded by love. I know a lot of things aren't going right in my relationship, but yet I choose to hold on - because I know when I'm with him, I am happy. And even though the world constantly sends signals to us, alarming us that... we're actually not that compatible... I still believe that, as long as I am happy with him, that's all that should matter.

Is that so wrong?

Awww....

2011-05-15T00:35:00.001-07:00

I've finally realised that I have grown out of my ... crazy colour nail polish phase.

:(

Now i'm stuck on neutrals, nudes, blacks.... nothing too crazy anymore.

What a shame, what do I do with all the nail polish colours I own??

2011-05-03T01:14:00.001-07:00

How many 'true loves' to you get in a lifetime?

When I say true love, I mean... someone you are with that you feel - yes, they are the one.

I'm not sure how many you get, but I know it is rare to come across one. Many people spend their whole lives, hoping to bump into or meet their perfect one. I believe that perfect is an individual definition. Perfect encapsulates all flaws in the opposition, but yet you are still willing to embrace and love them for who they are.

And what happens when you find the one but the timing isn't right?

Do you believe that.... time will converge your path together later in the future?

I don't.

I honestly believe that it is now or never. Maybe this is because of my pessimistic view on change. I have seen what change can do to people, do to couples. The choices we make in our daily lives changes our paths constantly, moulding our individual paths.

But hey, maybe some couples are lucky. Maybe for some couples... their paths are so similar, that even a little divergence will still lead them together once again. For me, not quite the same. We both lead separate lives, we have separate wants and needs...

Maybe this will draw us further apart.

2011-05-02T04:41:00.000-07:00

I know I am really slow on the bandwagon... but I am currently craving for this lipstick. The Chanel Rouge Coco lipstick in Mademoiselle hits the spot for me..... and Vanessa Paradis looks absolutely divine. This particular colour is known as the chameleon colour of the range, it's meant to suit every set of lips and looks different on each person. Sadly, it's still very VERY popular and a lot of places have sold out :( oh well, will continue hunting!

2011-04-24T07:29:00.000-07:00

I said I'd try.

And I really am, I keep reminding myself that I have to try really hard to get to know her, to try to accept her... because what is important to you, is important to me. But it bugs me that I have to remind myself to try. At one point, I thought I had convinced myself that I was over it, but the feelings are back. And trying right now, seems unbelievably hard.

I want to be a good partner, a good girlfriend. I know you're not perfect, and a lot of the times I set unreasonably high expectations but yet you continue trying.. and I appreciate that. I see it, I am aware of it, and I try to show you in many ways that I appreciate it.

But what happened... even though it happened a couple of months ago... I still feel the pain. My mind tells me it was innocent, it was an honest mistake... but what the mind thinks, doesn't contain what the heart feels.

All this negativity I feel towards her, it hasn't stopped there. I feel like I dislike everyone in that group. I really wish I wasn't like this, I really want to accept them... but yet, I feel jealous every time you are out with them, I feel annoyance every time I hear their names.

I've been thinking of many ways to get over it, but with you spending so much time with them, it makes it all the more harder. Maybe the truth is... I've lost trust in you. I never thought this could happen.... and I hate that it might be the truth. I've tried asking myself, would I have done the same? No. Because I'm willing to sacrifice. I'm at the point where, if I knew you didn't like it, I'd sacrifice it, without needing you to ask me.

I'm scared of asking you to sacrifice her. It's not fair, I know. You would be so hurt... and I hate seeing you hurt. I don't feel any anger... just....

....a lot of pain. A lot of heart break. I've been shaken to the core, somewhere quite deep. Our petty arguments are nothing compared to what I am feeling right now.

Can you trust someone again after something like this? I guess... after being with you for so long, I never thought something like this would happen to us... I never thought I would feel as though I didn't trust you. I feel so insecure, I don't even think you understand it.

This feeling is so familiar... does it all go downhill after this like it did in the past...?

2011-04-23T04:47:00.001-07:00

These thoughts just keep coming back... again and again.

I'd love to get over it - but how?

2011-02-02T00:53:00.000-08:00

My bad.

What happens if the little things you used to get jealous over and annoyed at...

suddenly didn't make you feel the same way?

Does that you just don't care anymore?

I'm not sure...

Bits and Bobs...

2010-11-17T02:49:00.000-08:00

Christmas is approaching... and as I have mentioned it before, it is always one of my top holidays. I love the idea of family being together.. celebrating together.. all that happy stuff! I love seeing decorations and Christmas trees (even though this is non-existent in my own household), I love it! However.. every year during Christmas... I always envy those living in areas where it snows in Christmas. I would love to spend Christmas somewhere where it is snowing... Perhaps, in the future.. I could spend every Christmas overseas :) The idea of it is so... romantic! Maybe I've been way too brainwashed from Christmas movies!

The s/o and I decided last year that we'd stop buying presents for each other for Christmas. We decided that birthdays will be the only occasion where presents will be bought for the other person. Which is kind of sad in a way... because now, I really won't get any Christmas presents!!! :(

I am not one to complain though... It seems that I have a Christmas list all year round. My makeup obsession has increased exponentially... Although I contain myself and try not to spend money, I end up spending most of time watching makeup reviews. I love makeup, and I don't think it's going to stop any time soon. Here are some of my recent... findings...

Prestige Waterproof Long-lasting Eyeliner
I am a victim of eyeliner smudge. I have tried different types of eyelining products - gel eyeliner, liquid eyeliner, soft khol eyeliner and even eyeshadow as eyeliner. I've tried many techniques to make my eyeliner stay put - nothing works. Not only do I have oily eyelids (that sounds gross), but I actually have very very almond-shaped eyes. Because of this, my eyeliner tends to smudge more and quicker than others with round-er eye shapes. Now... after this long rant, I reveal that my current love is the Prestige Eyeliner.... For a pencil eyeliner, this thing is amazing. I don't get smudging whatsoever... and when I do tight line my eyes, it does stay put for quite some time (I do confess, when you do use this technique, it does smudge. But not as much as the others I have experienced) Sometimes liquid eyeliner just doesn't hit the spot for me, I prefer a softer look that eyeliner pencils give... This product isn't has pricey as any MAC products, so I'm happy to buy all (by that I mean.. most) colours - very soon!

Laura Mercier
It was a couple of months ago when I was first introduced to LM. When I finally received my products... I was VERY impressed. Sadly, I've lost the eyeliner pencil (in which I never even got to try out...) so I won't be able to test that out until my next purchase. Apart from that, I am very much in love with her mineral makeup products. I bought the mineral kit (no idea what it is called...) and I swear I will never buy from any other mineral makeup brand. Like all mineral makeup, the product won't last for the whole day without a good primer. Albeit, mineral makeup doesn't ever really last the whole day. Your skin will feel amazing after using this - it will literally feel like silk, I kid you not. However, in saying this, I haven't used mineral makeup for quite some time as I prefer using something with a greater staying power.

Benefit Cheek and Lip Tint
My last spill... I was a huge advocate of this product when I started using it. One of the reasons was due to the natural flush that you can get using this cheek tint. It's like that light pink flush you get when you're embarrassed... or that glow-y pink cheek you get when your puffed out from a short jog. Using a cheek tint under your blush will actually increase the staying power of your blush. In addition, you can use this on your lips for a gradual dark pink tone and top it off with a gloss - amazing! I am planning (this means 'adding onto my wishlist') to get the Hoola Bronzer (finally! a matte bronzer!) and Coralista Blush. I have to admit, I am not a fan of any boxed blushes - It will never be as great as just a normal round container holding blush you can completely sweep around with your brush - but if the product impresses me, I am not one to complain!!

My sigma brushes - after 4 - 5 months, continue to impress me ... well, most of them do. I'm looking to purchase some of their newer brushes (yay to dense brushes!) and perhaps a traveling kabuki brush.

On another unrelated topic, and completely anonymous............................but I'm going to vent and let it out...

I hardly ever feel this way. I really mean, hardly. The thing is, we hardly ever talk or see each other... And all of a sudden, I feel like you impact me in ways that I never thought would happen. I've always thought of our friendship as a boat sailing on a very calm sea... but lately, in my head, it's like I have started to become agitated with you. It really might just be in my head... but our friendship was always stable. I feel like I've lost my balance. And you haven't even done anything wrong... Maybe I'm just jealous. Ha.

I've realised that friendships change immensely once you leave highschool - well, duh. I suppose, in highschool, your friends are surrounding you because you've all just coincidentally chosen that particular school. However, when highschool finishes, you start exploring your interests. And it may well be your interests which lead you to your new group of friends. The dynamics and expectations of these friendship alter too. You're no longer "forced" to keep up with the latest rumors/gossip, things just pan out. Stories... gossip... rumors - they all pop up only when you remember it happening, not because you are dying to tell the other person that it has happened.

Maybe I am wrong. I don't have the friendships that I've always hoped for and I constantly complain. Maybe I am the problem - I am too unstable. I just don't understand.

2010-11-08T05:00:00.000-08:00

i should start blogging properly from now on...

exam period always reminds me of how i have neglected my blog... but blogs are quite a sensitive thing.. well, it depends on how much of yourself you'd like the world to see.

i remember i used to always blog about how i feel.. but now, it feels hard to describe how i feel towards certain things that happen in my life... maybe keeping a diary is a better idea, so i won't have to feel conscious when people read about my life.

hmmm.............

2010-10-22T22:37:00.000-07:00

ba-dum ba-dum

exams once again. feeling quite uneasy once again... no break for me after exams either - which i'm kind of annoyed about... but i guess, i'm working for my future. so here is my all.....!

haven't been getting the best results this sem. i guess i was kind of occupied with other things and left uni aside... now i must suffer the consquences :( must force myself to work harder! results do not come easy!!!

anyway, im out XD

2010-10-16T06:16:00.000-07:00

when i look back, i always thought that you put me through a lot of shit that i didn't need to go through...
but after rekindling with an old friend last night,
i realise that i've been blinded by my own emotions...
the truth is, you were just as broken as i was.
perhaps it was a two-person mistake

some things are just meant to stay in the past...
when we look back at it, no matter how we feel towards certain events or actions
we must remember that things have changed, people have changed.

just be glad that you've experienced it.

2010-09-26T17:47:00.000-07:00

bb and i have decided to book for linden gardens this wed... for a little getaway.

we're celebrating out 3 year anni a bit earlier this year... since our anni always lands on some unfortunate date when we're always busy. i love our little getaways... it's a good time to relax.. and one of the few times i can teach him how to cook!! preparation!!

should be fun :)

2010-08-28T19:33:00.000-07:00

do we all have the capacity to analyse every situation?

or, is it that what makes us all differ... is the degree in which we are able to analyse different situations?

i suppose, our backgrounds and experiences affect us in the way we interpret information... and hence, translate to different reactions and actions...

it is even harder when we try to impose our opinion onto others as a way to change how others think and feel towards certain things.

conflicts, arguments.

*******

so, i ended up getting another offer.. not from pwc but nonetheless, just as good - just as happy.

i decided to give myself a little treat since i've been so stressed out lately... so i went on a massive ebay spend.

it is.. VERY dangerous when i feel like spending.. because i end up overspending...!

so in a few short sentences, these are the three buys i have made recently and am currently waiting patiently for :)

1. kiss me liquid eyeliner. heard it is good, never been a big fan of liquid eyeliner because i feel it gives solid lines when i always opt more of a soft smudgier look. but worth a try..

2. very impulsive buy, but i got the warm 88 palette by coastal scents. i bought some ebay 88 palette last time with all the bright and shimmery colours that i'll ever need.. but i figured i really want a warmer palette for everyday use. HOWEVER. i know that the quality of these things are just average.. and personally, i dont feel like all eyeshadow colours work for me. i don't really like seeing myself with red eyeshadow or yellow. someitmes purple is okay and so is green.. but very rare. these palettes are good cos they are cheap and allow me to experiment and then perhaps, later on i'll buy similar colours in better quality. wow. what a gay rant.

3. i am very excited about this. the urban decay naked palette. i know, after that 88 palette above.. it's like - why do you need another one? but.. i couldn't resist. the colours look so pretty, and useable. i think it'd be a palette that is fab for travelling, esp since i always travel to and from my s/o's house. from neutral to smokey, this palette looks like it could do it all. i can't wait to get my hands on it. had to buy it for... a really crazy price, but i figured :( treat myself to some goodies!

2010-08-21T07:04:00.000-07:00

ok, so.... got rejected

which is nothing new to this field of work. it is so competitive, there are only limited spots, people are bound to not get in. even though it's hard, i wouldn't choose any alternative easy route to the destination, just because it is not the best-of-the-best; i only want the best for myself.

so i spent a couple of days moping over it, it was the first time i got rejected, which it sometimes can be a bit hard.

i think i conjured up in my mind.. that .. in order to feel worthy, to feel like my efforts were not put to waste, to feel like i was.. substaintially "smart" and could match up to those elites within the field... i needed it. and i needed it to indicate to myself that i was smart. i know of quite a few people who think exactly like me... i suppose it can be a good motivation, but when u don't achieve it... you feel really let down. i know this post contradicts what i wrote in my previous blog, but i am human and i am real. i can only deal with my emotions as they come, sometimes they are not as i anticipate it to be.

i suppose rejection will always hurt, but you learn to deal with it and soon it becomes more bearable.

this is enough for the night, enough for the weekend. need to relax it out, take a deep breath and keep working hard.

2010-08-16T07:18:00.000-07:00

it's 12:18am atm, i'm about to go to sleep. but i will blog before i go to bed...

i had an assessment day today. turns out my phone interview was not TOO bad and actually got a call back.

half way during the assessment day... i thought to myself... why am i doing this? honestly.. why am i putting myself in these nerve-racking situations? why did i start commerce? why did i want to apply for big 4 firms? is it because i have no idea what i like? because a part of me still doesn't know if i truly like commerce. i think I've made myself believe i do, but do i truly? does it matter if i don't really like it? what else would i be doing if i didn't like it?

i admire people who find passion. i admire people who know what they like... people who have a strong inclination to certain things/jobs/ideas. i personally don't carry that OTT driven passion for commerce, i suppose it is more so.. settling. is it wrong?

i don't think so.

i've always thought of myself as a hater for those who are fake. for those who... do something they don't truly like... because i've always thought it just shows that you are not genuine.. or true to myself. but i've come to this cross roads where i'm facing the situation. infact, i am a floater. i don't know what i like. but i don't think it is wrong to try different things. perhaps one day, i'll hit the jackpot.

i had a partner interview today.. and one of the questions was "what was a change that was imposed on to you, and how did you deal with it? what did you learn about yourself in the process?"

to that question, i answered ... university. university was and still is a big change for me. i suppose i just randomly dove into commerce, not knowing what to expect.. but it's a chance i took.. and it's this chance that has led me to where i am today.

albeit, i do have one offer already under my sleeve. and i might just be too greedy going to this assessment today because i want another summer vac job.

but today.. after my assessment.. i told my s/o about every detail. and to that, he replied in the most honest manner "i am proud of you". he was proud of me... not just because i had the courage to turn up or because i am willing to face rejection... he was proud of me because after all my experiences, i have truly learned something. i have learnt to be much more confident in myself and in my abilities. i have not only found that confidence in myself, but i have the ability to show it to others. i suppose it was really evident in the interview because i thought to myself... "hey, i have the ability to steer this interview into any direction i like". and that is a quality which is not easy to accomplish.

i've learnt so much about myself.. and only good can come of this. whether it be a rejection or another offer, we will just have to see.

sometimes i set expectations for myself which are too challenging or too high to achieve. this serves as a good motivator, but at the same time, sometimes i don't give myself enough credit or refuse to see how good i really am. but in the end, the journey ... might just be more important.

"aim for the moon; even if you miss you will land among the stars"

2010-08-09T18:45:00.000-07:00

i had a phone interview today.

i thought.. i was really prepared. but i guess i wasn't.

i forgot that they would ask me something like that, i didn't prepare for it.. now i'm stuck here

feeling so guilty, full of regret.. because it could have been my only chance....

T_T

if i don't get it, then it's my really.. MY BAD.

i didn't prepare well enough.......

I AM SO ANNOYED!!! :(

2010-07-23T21:30:00.000-07:00

sometimes you sit and wonder

you ask yourself many questions...

but you never get any answers.

2010-07-21T01:24:00.000-07:00

skincare.

skincare is something i get mildly excited about. if you are a fan of makeup, it is important that you provide a good canvas for your products!

i used to never give a damn about skincare just because i used to get compliments and i thought it was fine as it is. it still is perfectly fine... but pretty things never last. i admit, in the future, i might succumb to a victim of botox just because i love my skin the way it is. but it is important for every girl to nurture your skin... because... well, you're not going to look as youthful as you do now in 10-15 years time.

i used to use cheap facewash and moisturizer from drugstores ie. nivea/clean and clear... it did the job and that was all i really cared about.. however, in actual fact, these cheap brands may help you remove makeup, give your face a quick wash... but being a long-term customer for these brands is probably not too good for your skin. i can't say from experience that these brands harm you in the long term and this blog may well be just me talking about how much i love expensive skincare... but i honestly think you pay for your quality.

skincare is so important whether you have good or bad skin. we've all encountered females who evidently have bad skin and try to cover it up with tonnes of makeup... not cool for their audience and defs not cool for the individual themselves. for females who don't have bad skin, using good products will ensure you maintain your nice skin... you want your skin to be stable and healthy - always.

it's important to understand your skin. combination/oily/normal/dry skin.. you may have a mixture of these skin types and they can differ in different weather conditions. you need to know WHEN your skin is the oiliest, WHEN is it the driest.. and by knowing, you will know which product line to run to when you do decide to try out new products. always moisturize... you don't want wrinkles to occur at a young age! there is no harm in trying different brands... i've tried a range of skincare products and now i've finally settled for shiseido's white lucent line (for the time being). be mindful that skincare products take several weeks for you to actually see the difference... so don't be so judgemental if you don't see any different asap.

also, ALWAYS take makeup off before sleeping. deadly sin. don't do it. it's disgusting, you get lots of bacteria build up and clogs up your pores... contributes to acne/pimple problems. i wear makeup quite often these days.. and sometimes even if i think i've taken off all my makeup, i find that when i use cotton pad to put on toner... i see residual makeup left over that i've missed! once a week.. i use a bowl and chuck some hot water in, give myself a steam treatment... it's good for opening up pores but ALSO melts the makeup that you may have missed out on. deep cleanse!

lastly, give your face a treatment whether it may be a facial or a face mask every 1 - 2 weeks. rehydrates your skin and leaves it pretty for more .. makeup!

2010-07-17T17:09:00.001-07:00

maybe i am looking at this too deeply...

we're still young

something like this shouldn't matter 'til later, right?

2010-07-16T23:05:00.000-07:00

should love be measured?

is it okay for us to be in a relationship where we feel that our significant other does not love us as much as we love them? or should we just continue loving, because we've made a choice, even if we don't receive the same 'amount' of love... ? and, how do we know that our s/o does not love us as much as we love them? do we point out flaws in their actions, something that he/she has or has not chosen to do for us? is that how we determine we are loved, less? or do we fall into the trap of listening to an outsider's opinion on your relationship, and feel that we are not as loved because he/she did this and this and this...?

*

a lot of the times, we like to think that love triumphs over anything, even money. but a lot of the time, we use money to project our love... we buy things for our partners, we buy things for our family, we buy things for our friends.... to show them that we love them and that we care. i mean, we can look at this from the other end of the spectrum where... people will love another, just for their money, but i think that is different from the point i'm trying to make. i actually think money and love are entwined... for love to survive, money is needed. it might not apply to all families, but too often do families break down due to financial difficulties. i know i myself certainly do not want to be in that position in the future.

money has become so important in our lives that it has become on par with love. they are so closely linked because in reality, we need money to survive. how much money doesn't matter, but we do need a substantial amount to survive.

maybe... money will always exist but love is not always a necessity.

2010-07-09T08:24:00.000-07:00

the other day, i thought to myself... i can't believe that i've been friends with you for so many years...

and tonight, i think to myself.. i can't believe that you can disappoint me so much, even though we've been friends for so long...

2010-06-17T20:45:00.001-07:00

I've never realised how much I love and appreciate structure in my life.

I love planning, love organising and love things done a certain way - my way.

So when I'm trying to study for property market analysis - my last exam - i get really... really.. REALLY.. frustrated.

I'm not sure if this is how all environmental subjects are structured (or more so, unstructured)... but it annoys me when lectures do not coincide with tutorials. It also annoys me that there is no clear guideline on what is going to be on the exam... and it frustrates me even more when the readings we are meant to complete is from a university written text book (which technically, isn't written by the professors as it is only extracts from other sources) containing too much information which we didn't even look over in lectures. I hate that the lecturer is so slack, I hate that he skips over slides and says "you should know this".

All of this... leads to... demotivation, boredom and plenty of struggling.

Which just goes to show, I get quite lost when things aren't structured.

I'm lost and don't know how to approach this...

*

He is leaving next week.

Although I try and stay strong, not show any signs of sadness from the outset..

It shatters me on the inside.

2010-06-05T07:34:00.000-07:00

what does it mean to be a good person?

"love thy neighbor as thyself"... this is a tricky one. so often, under different circumstances, we immediately act bitchy and horrible without thinking of being a good person.

for instance, don't we often use this excuse for being mean to someone "well, they did so and so to me first, so i'm allowed to be this way towards them too"? is this a justifiable reason? are we being a good person?

or sometimes, we say "no, i'll be the bigger person and i'll let this go" - by placing ourselves on a pedestal and comparing ourselves to others, does that serve as a reason for us to consider someone as a good person?

maybe, being a good person means being yourself. amongst all the insanity in this world, you remain true to yourself. act the way you want, dress the way you want - is that what we would call a good person?

there are so many different ways people can define the term "good person"... there is no right, no wrong answer. but i believe no matter how horrible human beings can be, at different stages of our lives, we share glimpses of each others definitions.

there is good in everyone.

2010-06-03T19:41:00.000-07:00

deep down, the biggest judgment we are afraid of....is our own.

a lot of the times, we're so used to judging others the minute we meet them that we don't realize what it is actually doing to our inner self. i mean, we've become so used to it that it is actually impossible for us to control ourselves and have neutral judgments when we meet a new person.

WE ARE AFRAID OF WHAT OTHERS THINK OF US BECAUSE WE ARE AFRAID OF WHAT WE THINK OF OURSELVES.

that is, we are scared of what others think of us... because in return, it may mean that there is something "not quite right" about ourselves.... but this "not quite right" attribute.. or flaw if you may put it, is on our own discretion. others do not have the power to tell you what is acceptable or what is unacceptable... it is in our own mind, that we create our own criteria of what SHOULD be acceptable - and you know, taking into consideration of values, backgrounds, beliefs. i mean, others do have the power to influence us.. but it is our own interpretations of these influence that cause us to judge ourselves.

*

i have been studying all week. it is slowly killing off my brain cells.
so tonight, i will be heading to crown to go look at crown towers venue for ant's wedding.
after that, hopefully eat at the pub with bb and then back to work to study T_________T"
how delightful.
this semester hasn't gone the way i would have liked it to, but i guess...
there's no time for complaining.
just make the most of the time you have!

keep running that race!!

2010-06-01T03:44:00.001-07:00

if i ever plotted my pms moods on a graph, it'd look like a rollercoaster ride.

*

so my study room is looking kinda good now... since we've taken the bed out and totally cleared the place. i'm thinking... maybe i should change it to a half study, half make up, half handbag room. i mean, the room isn't HUGE... but i think it'd be good to put all those bags in there... since they are currently hanging in my wardrobe. a really bad way of looking after my bags i must say... they get hung up, but just get kicked around because i always knock into them. my collection of bags.....hmm, i dont know. i've never been really "into" bags... and i always buy them at the spur of the moment. hence, i don't have particular styles.... they are all similar in colour and style. maybe i should look into a better set. although, for some reason, i never like the look of little small handbags on me - it's a me thing.

so the problem also with my makeup is that everyday i'm actually doing my makeup in my bathroom... NOT a huge problem, but i just think it's annoyin with the sink.... i'm thinking maybe get a dressing table in my study room and then do my makeup and hair there in the morning... which isn't such a bad idea because whilst waitin for my curler / straightner to heat up.. i could pack my bag =) not too far away from each other!!!!!!!!

hmmm....... what to do.....

2010-05-23T20:16:00.000-07:00

some new, some old.

so because my bag was stolen last night, my longchamp bag is now officially in someone else's hands.. AND my makeup bag most likely in the hands of someone who knows crap all about makeup. anyway, i've thought about this over night and trying to decide whether i should replace my makeup bag contents... so here's a LITTLE review on things i have tried... just to remind me why i would/wouldn't buy them again.

1. mac gel eyeliner

first time i've ever used gel eyeliner, and i have to admit, i love it. i really do. you can draw really thin lines... and it's not watery like liquid eyeliner which means when you make a booboo, it's not toooooooooooo bad to fix. very easy to glide.. only thing i don't like about this is that if you really don't put it on properly... as in, you use too much and you have excess... it will smudge pretty badly. you need to put just hte right amount for it to stay put. it's non-waterproof... which, for me is good. i hate waterproof makeup because it is impossible to take off.... i'm using the shiseido eye and lip makeup remover. it's an oil based remover so it really takes it off without any fuss. i used to have this negative view on oil removers.... but they really make removal quick and easy. would i buy this again? i'm not sure... i had a look at the bobbi brown one, which is apparently really good too, but then, it's waterproof..... so i don't know. yeah, i'd probably buy mac again.

2. bloom sweet pea powder blush

i bought this blush ages ago with rachel.... i was dying for some blush so we walked around EVERYWHERE looking for it. ended up at bloom. i like this blush because it is quite nude, quite natural (i was going for a natural blush). seeing as i am fairly white, if i just wear foundation, i look like a ghost. i really am considering in investing in this one again because i think it suits any skin type and colour... i've used it on my mum once and it looked pretty natural on her too! i've got a mineral one right now that i could use instead of buying this again, i might think about investing in it later down the track, i'm hoping to get some cheek tint first to try it out.

3. dior addict high impact, bohemian peach

when i bought this, i thought it'd be ... pretty orangie.... but turns out, it is very natural on the lips. you know some days when you're losing a bit of colour on the lips... this lipstick is perfect. it compliments you're lips when they are looking dull!! it's def not too orange or coral b/c it is peachy... slightly pink. lovely!!!!!!!!! oh, and also, it doesn't try out your lips. i've got 2 dior ones, and after using it, i'd buy it again because it moisturises your lips and gives it that nice shine. not the full intense shine like lipgloss, but just enough so it doesn't look matte.

4. rimmel rush quad shadow, smokey noir.. not the colour in the pic

i bought this quad for no reason, but until i started using it... i never realised how good it was. i don't wear a lot of makeup... so when i do go to uni, i use this just to brighten up my eyes a tad. very pigmented, long lasting... and you can always make your eyes more intense by just adding more. for asian eyes....... don't want to be using too much black because we tend to look a tad bruised eyeeeed.... so instead, opt for grey...... i love this one. it's not too expensive.... yeah i'll invest in this again.

5. some sort of mineral eye primer which cost me a fortune...

nothing special........................no, sorry, i won't buy this one again (but then again, it is mineral...) so yeah.. i'll try investing in the potion primer that i see so often.

6. and these are the things i am getting/want/will be recieving soon...

tony bianco wedges.. in caramel suede... now, aren't they just soso pretty!

mac cyndi lauper lipstick

mac carbon eyeshadow

so yes, now the time to decide what i will get... after the insurance claim :P

my birthday

2010-05-12T00:04:00.000-07:00

it's crazy to think i've survived two decades.
officially a non-teen. slightly grown up... but then, slightly not.

i haven't blogged in a while, don't really know what to say.
sometimes it feels like a chore having to write this... but i'll write this one today
because i know, sometimes i forget...

sometimes i put myself down a lot, thinking that if i give myself pressure, i'll perform better.
but then things just get distorted and i break down.. i forget to give myself encouragement.

so today, i'll write this blog to remind myself of the things i've achieved in the past year...
i was really upset last night because i thought i didn't really achieve much in the past year...
until ben pointed it out to me last night.

and i ever get in trouble this year, lose my way - hopefully i can read this blog again and remind myself of the things i've achieved, and the things i have yet to achieve.

last year, brought upon many opportunities for me...

i started uni, with the intention of doing well. ofcourse, i already knew what i was up against... but until i really experienced commerce myself, i had no idea how hard i had to work towards a h1. so in my sem 1, i got distinctions for 3 of my subjects, sadly just recieved a pass for law. in semester 2, i worked even harder, and hence... achieved my goal of NOT seeing any p's in my transcript. although i was just a first year, i wanted a head start in everything. i wanted to open my opportunities early, knowing it would be much harder with greater competition if i left it until second or third year. i applied for the deloitte development day. after experiencing 2 days at a big 4, being able to shadow a director...... i was able to conclude: this is what i wanted to do for the time being. it wasn't long before i recieved a call from the HR asking me to come in for a partner interview in march 2010. after the interview, i was really doubtful of my performance.. but i knew i tried my best... and luckily, a few days later i received an offer for a summer vac work position. so this summer, i'll be at doing some vac work.. hopefully i'll be able to get a grad offer if i do well. but i know, i'll have to work even harder for that.

i have to admit, i sacrificed a lot for uni. there were many birthdays, parties and events that i could have gone to, but i chose my work over these things. that's not to say... i don't socialize. that's definitely not true. instead, i found my close knit of friends. friends i could rely on, friends that wouldn't pull away from me, just because i decided to choose uni over them. no, they too, are studious - and i love them for that. they make me feel comfortable and never left out. they aren't the high maintenance type, but instead, they comfort me when i am in need. i've never been the corny type, and they cater to that. true friends are hard to find, i'm lucky that i've found mine.

i used to be really good at noticing the changes i go through. i used to be much more reflective than i am now... but even so, i know i have changed over the past year. i've developed a greater awareness of my surroundings. i've learnt how to present myself in a professional environment, i've learnt to network and have overcome my fear of talking to people. i have become much more competitive... and maybe to some people, that isn't a good thing. but it keeps me going. i've had a fair few disappointments, but it only makes me want to work harder and achieve more. i've learnt how to set goals, how to pace myself... and all of these things are done because i hope that one day, i'll reap the benefits. be able to look back, and say that i have never regretted anything i've done in life. maybe to some people, this doesn't seem like "enjoying uni life", but i think of the things i can and will achieve in the future; i immediately know it is what i want. the rest of it, is not a want... not even a need.

i admit i did not know how to juggle uni and friends at the same time. however, i now know how to, and am proud that i haven't lost myself in all of this.

this year, i plan to.....

1. do whatever it takes to stimulate my brain (seriously, in a non-sexual way). i want to train my brain to react faster to situations, be able to read people better and to be able to converse with others in an effective manner
2. MAINTAIN my average, and if possible, raise it!!! don't set myself benchmarks... or believe in limits... sometimes miracles will happen if you just keep trying!
3. some how.. fix my english language. it's deteriorating... finally happening. need to keep reading, keep improving!
4. find a way to control my moodiness.. this one is a hard one, but i know it is important that i try.

hoping this year will be a good one,

signing off now!

2010-02-28T21:11:00.000-08:00

ok, before i go pick up my mac gel eyeliner ... hehehehe...!

i shall blog.

i think i'm happy with everything i have right now, everything i have given up to get to where i am today

i mean, i'm never ever going to magically wake up one day and be a super genius... but i can work my way there. with determination, discipline and diligence... i'll hopefully get a reward for what i've been anticipating.......

add oil tammy, this is it!

2010-02-18T01:55:00.001-08:00

god i'm so immature
i need to learn to fucking grow up - seriously.

learn to deal with it, not release all my anger onto my friends, family, boyfriend.

fuck.

2010-02-13T03:22:00.000-08:00

after all this time, you still manage to pop back into my mind and annoy the hell out of me....

*

i've made new nails today~~ lavender sparkles!
loving anythign that sparkles and shines!!!!!!

anyway, cny tmr....... same old same old.
a little drama happening along the way
which has just reinforced my own beliefs

i hate, HATE HATE HATE HATEHAHTEHATHETHE
absolutely despise being pushed around, or made to fit/be someone i am not.
maybe it's not even about being someone i'm not, maybe it's that..... i hate it when people's opinions HAVE to matter and i have to change since i'm being forced into that position.
i am a person who believes that respecting elders is always a must.
i believe that once you are capable of looking after yourself, you should look after your elders as they have done for you

but, i cannot tolerate elders who think that their authority makes their every word correct.

i do have a certain respect for elders, but at the same time, i believe there should be equality too... i too, am a human being. and i don't need your comments and BLAGH BLAHS to affect the way i have to dress, talk, act and blah blah SHIT.

i have been brought up in a household where there are equal rights to speak up.... doesn't seem the same in your case......

~

2010-02-08T02:47:00.000-08:00

it has been ages!! hello dear deposit box!!

wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooahssssss!!

so, been spending a lot of time with the other lately.. he is taking annual leave off work to do summer school.. we're doing it together! we've had lots of time to just muck around, hang out in city, eat at any random time, sleep over at each other's more than usual! it's been wooooonderful! he is adorable and yknow, lately we haven't had any fights or arguments.. just enjoying each other's company <3

so i started back at the gym in november.. after exams. it's been good.. have to admit, i'm a big addict now and feel the need to go every second day. i don't ever feel too much of the "cbf gym" but instead, am really motivated. i suppose sport of any kind - anythin that gets ur heart pumping - DOES change you're mood.. you will be much happier! good outlook on life! yay!

i've been a crazy addict over beauty skincare products.. trying different hair, face masks... treatments, yadiya ~ i'm NOT quite sure if it actually works for me because the only difference i can tell between products are whether they dry out my skin or not! i mean, i really used to just do the good ol' cleanser and mousturiser after shower.. it's not much different now - apart from doing a couple of masks each month. i'm very conscious of skin cancer.. always 30+ when i go out... don't want too many freckles la!!

next week is qld! how exciting! although i don't feel very excited atm.. hopefully it will get better. hmm... dreamworld package? or movieworld package? hopefully i won't get annoyed T_T" i get annoyed too easily i think!

been doin some reeeading! time traveler's wife? mmm.. i don't think it's the greatest book ever, i don't really understand the concept perhaps? because time travelling is absurd! but still, its a romantic novel... which i <3

need to start reading afr to be more knowledgeable abt zee world!

sigh, writing a blog so tiring! can't keep up with my thoughts

write soon, hopefully!

2009-12-11T19:33:00.000-08:00

woohoo~ so i passed all my subs... ~~
with NO PASSES THIS SEM!
which was what i was aiming for...... thank god!!

so i've been gymming a lot lately.... tis quite enjoyable~
decided i will treat myself to somethin nice, because i am nice to myself! going to get
some seafolly bathers... this one.....

but in pure white...
hehe! havent had the chance to beach yet, but that's ok lol

bubbie and i will go celebrate our exam marks tnight!!
good fooddddddd here we come!

haven't been doing much lately.. but it's good, because this is how i pictured my holidays to be
everyone is working.. but i really don't think iw ant to be working just yet.....
gonna be doing summer school in jan.. and tutoring year 12s.....
really should find more things to do.. or at least....... more drama to watch! :D

update more laters~

2009-11-28T07:06:00.001-08:00

><
God, please let me pass my exams......

2009-11-22T18:56:00.000-08:00

*

what does it mean to 'know someone' well?
does it mean that you can anticipate their every move, their line of thinking or reaction to any situation?
does it mean that you understand what they need?
or what they like, love, dislike, hate?

i'm not sure.
i'm not even sure you know me well enough.

does time change these factors?
do you end up 'knowing' a person through time?

2009-11-14T02:43:00.000-08:00

yayers!
finished my exams!
free..........til jan
when i start summer school
loooooooooooooooooool but its only for one subject so that's ok =)

so i figured... i should MAKE A LIST!

these are a few things i want to do these holidays....:

- explore makeup... more than i usually do (vons getting me brushes from hk, should be good :) )
- do some DIY stuff with emily =)
- make some lipbalm.....ha, this sounds funny, but its fairly exciting!
- get my hair extensions in my hair (yes they have arrived!)
- maybe.. MAYBE, record a youtube clip? if i have some sort of magical energy to make me do it, then ya!
- do tonnes of shopping :)
- QLD TRIP yaaaaaaaaaaayers!
- sell my clothes on ebay
- prepare for deloitte interview (yeeehhh! they asked me back for a summer vac work interview with a partner, must prepare well!)

ok that's all i can think of right now,
update when i can think of more

everyone has a summer job........and i,
well i was just too lazy to get one
but i'll be ok working for mum =]
tis alllllllllllll good!

2009-11-03T01:06:00.001-08:00

sometimes i hate how i am so competitive.
it really plays with my head.

the fear

2009-10-29T02:25:00.000-07:00

just before i go study my ass off for some hc accounting.........

i believe ... as individuals, we too often say that 'we can't do it'
"i can't do it anymore, it's too hard, i can't imagine myself doing it"

these negative thoughts are all surrounded - undoubtedly - by fear.
too often do we try and predict the future, try to foresee what will be
and when we convince ourselves of a negative outcome..
we freeze in the present, and wish time would stop so we won't have to continue...

but.

maybe we just have to stop thinking... just for a while.
stop anticipating for what will be, blindfold our emotions...
and just do it.

you won't know until you've done it....
and as scared as you will be
by the end of it, you'll see that
you've hid a part of yourself,
kept your eye on the goal.
and have pushed yourself to the limit....

that my friend, is called - no regrets.

goodluck to anyone going through exam period! see you at the end of the tunnel!

2009-10-23T17:58:00.000-07:00

i feel ..

when you're so used to seeing someone on weekends, speaking to someone everyday..... it's not (or it shouldn't) amaze you if they become attached - as i am with my s/o.

his great grandmother passed away the other day, so he has to go praying in the mountains every sat and praying at the temple every sun...... for the next 7 weeks. now, i know i am the biggest whinger(sp?) in the world........ but it just breaks my heart.... A LOT when i am away from him on weekends. feels like my weekend is incomplete when i don't get to spend the whole of sat/sun or friday nights with him.

when stuff like this happens, i start questioning whether i am every going to be independent enough, like i once was. will i be able to be without him?

i get so grouchy when i don't get to see him...... and i know i got a bit angry at him last night...... but is it excusable because i just really, really, REALLY enjoy spending time with him?

i'm not sure.

and i have turned into a dependent, attached, un-able-to-function-without-him freak.

that's starting to scare me.

2009-10-22T04:42:00.000-07:00

being appreciative....

i am, a very lucky girl. there are so many things that have gone right in my life... the things i want and long for usually come straight to me........ but sometimes straight after that, i tend to take it for granted.

my mum... whenever she goes shopping with me, if i walk by something i like but am unwilling to buy cos of its $$........ she will see it in my eyes. i think it breaks her heart, so she ends up buying it for me.

my dad... if i ever forget any sort of hw or important documents... he will resched his whole day and make time to bring it to me, even if it means driving to the other side of town.

my brother... is willing to risk his L's license plate to come pick me up from the station cos he doesn't want me to stand around at the station in the dark...

my family is willing to buy me a new car first, rather than spending the money on themselves for a new family car.

my boyfriend... would drive all the way down to my place if he knew i was upset with him and he would stay and make sure i'm ok.. and then drive all the way back home. even if it meant seeing me for an hour.

so many things to be thankful for... my friends tell me that i have a huge wardrobe..... that i have so many clothes...... and yet i continue to want more more more. i don't need some of these things.... maybe in the future, when i find a proper job... i'll justify reasons to buying expensive branded clothing... but right now, i think i'm happy where i am.

2009-10-19T02:53:00.000-07:00

sigh. i don't know what to write, or how to write about anyhting anymore
everything in my head is a tad muddled...... because i keep coming up with new thoughts, opinions and ways of viewing things.

i just know that, right now... i don't lead a dramatic lifestyle
something i prefer
but instead i stick my head into other people's business.
like he says 'it's not your call'
but girls are always like that, we like to MAKE that call, try to FIX things.
i shuld shutssssz

anyway, our 2 year anniversary saw us doing nothing. harhar! we are both pretty lazy...
ended up just having a nice dinner.... at glen LOL
god i dont know, i'm not really demanding of somehting
last year i was... i wanted to experience it.. but this year is really 'whatever'
BUT he did buy me bettinas.....if that makes it any better.....
now we just have to figure out what he wants!

sigh. i can't get enough of him.
:(
but sadly, he is at geelong for work this week (U)
HEART BROKEN TO MAX

everyone keeps talkin abt exams
i really
need
to
start
working
HOW COME MY MIND HASN'T PROPERLY COME TO TERMS
THAT MY EXAMS ARE IN 3 WEEKS...........
WHAT HAPPENED TAMMY???

2009-10-11T03:37:00.000-07:00

hehe this is almost like a tammy<-> emily convo
hardihar! love love!

i found this amusing hehe - Gosh, blogging is really about the self centred and self absorbed and constantly cries "look at me look at me, my life is interesting and all things wonderful, envy me"-

which is, kinda true for some people lol
:)

anyhows, ben stayed over for the past 2 days
i love his company, but after 2 days......... i feel like i don't want him to leave :(
he lives so far away, it's not like a 5 min drive or anything...
but hums! he does make me happy and he continuously tries to please me.
too many people around me, including myself, find themselves stumbling over people that
we usually don't have a vision of dating/falling in love with
and we get criticized by others who think they know better
how many times have we heard 'oh he/she is not your type'
life is unpredictable like that though.
we make relationships with these people
my point is, it doesn't really matter if they weren't what you thought they would be...
what matters is that they are willing to try please you, in any way possible
and that they continuously try to do so.....

anyways, i bought a suit.
it is actually pretty SHIT. because i go shoppin wiht ben for his suits....... where you can find decent, average priced, good qual ones ( i mean, ones that are $300 are pretty good i rkn)
but for girls...... its like, 'lets jack up the price for ladies because they are shopoholics and we shall take advantage of that'.
i spent $500 bucks on a bloody black, plain, fitted suit.
now, for a first suit, i'm feeling OK just because i'm praying that this suit finds me my bloody first job.
but really, if you look for cheaper suits - in which i did - you find that the pants, suit jacket and skirt shape are all made pretty poorly. makes me AGRO

i havent checked my twitter in ages........there was really no fun in it - i need to new twitter friends harhar

went yumcha y'day with ben ........ and dad came to pay HAHAH funny. at night we did wine tasting. i must admit, we're getting pretty good at this shiz because we both come up with the same descrptions. i'm really hoping i dont fail this wine course......... i will be so shattered. i'm not sure if i will be able to go through my exams (U)

toodles for now!

2009-10-07T03:51:00.000-07:00

too many of us let the world pass us by
myself included.
i've forgotten how to appreciate the little things in life.. like sunshine and greenery

i'm sure that if i look back at my blogs, every so often i make a blog like this.

but i suppose... the course i'm doing is really changing my outlook in life, my goals in life.
i set standards high and aim to achieve them, but along the way
i forget to stop and see the beauty life does bring......

*

anyhows, i'm really delaying myself on this blogging thing
i feel like i should write only when i feel like it (thats whn i have something to say)
but when i do, i'm stuck on words.
i should just do this everyday - or try to.

next week is deloitte development day program
HRM.... i'm really excited about it
however, this also means i need a suit before next thurs.
the trouble is, suits look pretty terrible on a short, stubby girl like moi.
not to mention, it's bloody impossible to find a REASONABLE priced, nice fitting one these days
(SUGGESTIONS IN COMMENTS - ANYONE?)
now, i know i am a big complainer.. and i pretty much disregard what everyone else sees in the mirror.. but i really think i a suit + pants is really not my thing. but i love it so much! (maybe i have yet to find hte right one) but there is something about my body shape which doesnt really work. FAR OUT, WHY CAN'T I LOOK LIKE THIS??

my s/o tells me that girls that wear suits look manly, personally i don't think i look manly but i DO think that it gives me a curvy look - perhaps too curvy. shietz gaining weight badzors!

anyway, i've also decided to sell off a lot of my clothes on ebay. ok, i've mentioned ebay A LOT on my facebook...... so i've risen to a new level of actually selling things (this idea is still fairly new to me) i feel like i need a new wardrobe...... and the only way to make room, is to sell it. kinda sad because my clothes are like my children, and i can't possibly imagine them at another's house. i hope people look after it... and not throw them on the ground or chuck holes in them :| gaahh

additionally, people will be aware of this sooner or later.. but i purchased hair extensions on ebay. now, I KNOW i was the one to say 'omg i love my short hair ladidahdahdahdahd' and then grow to a phase where i wanted long hair again.. it has finally reached the peak where anyone who has long hair and has natural curls..... well, i almost want to strangle them and then cut their hair off. ha, i joke. so yea, hair extensions is yay-zor. BUT after new findings, i won't be purchasing the clip on ones.. no no no, i bought micro-ring hoop haiar extensions, they are quite weird, but i think they willl be quite good. they were on sale btw MUHAHAHha ai love sale

went with var to dfo today to look for a suit....... i saw SHOES instead, which i didn't buy.. but i think i will go back and get them. but i'mjust a bit iffy.....because i really want the HIGH stilettos (yes i know abt the pain) just becauase talking to ppl when u are short is really uncomfortable. i'd rather be at least...... talking to someone and not having to stand too far away in order to not have my head at 180 angle to talk to them. but then, there were also these half heel'ed ones....... i'm not against them, quite comfy really....... but the height is just not there.. SUGGESTIONS, AGAIN?

god people never give me suggestions
sigh sigh sigh.

have to start studying for exams
really nerve racking ones this time, i want to improve my avg
AND I REALLY DON'T WANT TO FAIL.

last week i did a wine course with zeee luvluv and eevonzorrr and some others
it was intense, but i have a fairly good time and now a better knowledge abt wines!

apart from that, nothin from the norm.
my lover ...... ok, this is crazy but, next week is 2 years
and i am still
very
much
in love with him.
he drives me up the wall, but i love every part of it.
i suppose, any relationship can go through the really rough patches
but we all look forward to the good times..... that's what counts right?

planning to get him mont blanc pennnnn :) $$ hole in my wallet!

2009-09-16T03:53:00.000-07:00

for once, i feel like all my hard work
has led me to an achievement
:)
woohoO!

2009-09-12T08:07:00.000-07:00

so, i can't say i am very impressed tonight
i thought i was going to have a good night
seeing as its my best friend's bday

my s/o drank too much before going to the place
and so when we got in
he spewwed, and then we left.
gross.. so now i sit here, watching him sleep whilst writing this.

now.. i'm not really sure how to look at this
i mean, i know i have the right to be angry
and i was.. very very angry.
but now, i've calmed down
i think he'll know how wrong he is without me telling him

2009-09-08T22:13:00.000-07:00

a new perspective of life.

i'm sitting in my little study room
trying to think of how to express myself through words
this blog is about me - as all my other ones are
but it's about my views of my current situation.

it's actually not a bad one.

you see... i think when we are in highschool
we have restrictions in what we have to do
esp when it comes to year 12 vce
i felt i was obliged to study, in which i did
i came out of year 12 knowing i had tried my best, no regrets or anything.
i rmber the anticipation of finishing my exam,
leaving my friends - who at that time, weren't really my friends.
lots of people tell me they miss highschool these days - i don't...

because i love my life right now.
i love my life because... there are so many aspects to it.
i'd be lying to say that i don't have restrictions,
but these restrictions and limits are ones i give myself.
lots of people keep asking me why i quit my job...
and when i tell them it's because i want more time to do things
i don't think they understand.
when i took up my job, i took it up because i felt guilty staying at home
but when i was working, i realised that i am still in my early years of studying
and i have the perfect chance to experience things,
to find new passions.
so recently, i've spent time looking for volunteer work, non-paid work exp etc etc.
not only do i intend to build on my inter(intra??)personal skills,
but i want to get more out of myself and life.

i might not be making a lot of sense right now...
but in simple words - i don't want to cruise around in my life
it is too easy to fall in that trap
and many people do

ergh im getting pins and n eedles in my leg
cbf writing anymore
tata
!

2009-08-26T01:38:00.000-07:00

a few things happened today
which made me feel like such a horrible person.
and i can't believe i tried to redeem myself by putting a donation in for the legacy appeal.

i really hate myself right now
i hate the horrible and mean things i actually think about, let alone say out loud
i present myself as such an irrational person
but deep down, i do think about my actions - like right now
and i regret so much..
i truly do.

*

i had an argument with a "friend" yesterday
everyone actually refuses to see the good in you
and i.. so innocently refused to listen to others
i absolutely hate it when people think they know me
my s/o told me that..'he' was just angry
which led him to say some of the things he did say
but i dont believe that bullshit at all.
infact, i think a glimpse of your truthfullness was let out
don't try...nor begin to THINK you know me
at the slightest.
you don't know what i've been through, or what i have felt in my experiences
and you certainly have no right to believe that i don't know who i am.
life is about constant questioning, answers are not always straight forward
but i continue to seek.
so don't give me your shitty 'i've been there, done that'
or even 'i ask myself these things, so i know myself better'
i can't believe you even insinuated that i was some what of a 'sheep'
GOD. look at yourself.
'i'm a realist'
yeah, bullshit you are.

i will never give you the benefit of the doubt.

2009-08-10T19:39:00.000-07:00

right now, there are some certain things i am incredibly incredibly inCREDIBLY in love with.

floral prints... i think these actually go pretty well for a person like me, who pretty much always wears black. i am so evil har har. but yes, the print on that girl's dress reminds me of penny's PJ bottoms (from BBtheory)... i actually saw those PJs at peter alexander... and they were on sale, and as i would.. i would not buy it and now regret it a lot.

all things pink, nude... which reminds me of a ballerina! i was actually very peculiar about a particular nude nail polish, it was almost tan brown and just made your nails look like as though you don't have nails at all. however, this girl across my table one day had it on - looked so good :( so now, i am slightly in love with it. i have yet to buy it.

these leggins. oh-my-gawd.

these TB boots.. (if you're reading this em, i already got them cos i found them at chaddy!) i wouldn't mind this other pair either, just because they are very cute.

and finally.. on LB and found this. there is something about it that makes me love it lots. outfit recieves a tick, shoes are a +++++ and her fringe... well, let's jsut say i'm so tempted to cut my lopsided fring into that straight, perfect and light bangs she has.

ok that's it. these photo blogs take so much effort! <3

2009-08-08T00:42:00.001-07:00

sometimes a girl needs a bit more than just the 'deep love' that he offers.
sometimes, a girl needs that on-the-surface bit of love and affection
she needs a guy to care a little more, to take the time to read about her thoughts on things, to ask her whether she is sick or not, to ask about her day....
- instead of being so self centred all the time.
because as much as she gives, she hopes at the same time....
hopes he will one day understand and act upon it

is there something very wrong going on?

i'm trying to be understanding, but whenever you leave...
i go through the same thing.
i can only give so much.

2009-08-04T16:37:00.000-07:00

i am actually really tired

its 9.30am...

i bought a new scarf y'day

oh dear :(

BUT ITS PINK! AND I LOVE PINK!

going to look for a new job ...

when i sleep and wake up again

cos this is seriously bad

my brain is working at .05km/hr

and sheez and i need to do my accounting hw which i have no idea how to do

YAYERS!

and apparently i am getting a massage tnight

but i dont think i feel comfortable paying someone to massage me

hmmm...........

quite embarassing y'day

i am so dumb T_T"

oh well, shrug it off

and move on!

OOOOOOOOOOOOOK BLOG LATERS

ohh and imma thinking of selling my clothes on ebay

or getting a store in camberwell market

but the thing i hate is, i'd hate selling it and after a few months

think of an outfit

and then realise

my PIECE OF CLOTHING IS MISSING

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

so i need to sit on it. for a bit.

any opinions??

PS. I DO/WILL NOT SELL MY SCARF COLLECTION!

2009-08-02T22:35:00.000-07:00

uni-eeeeeeee again!

i hope i dont get stuck with a dud for ata I PRAY TO GOD PLEASE DON'T STICK ME WITH A DUD PARTNER, I AM ALREADY NOT-VERY-KNOWLEDGEABLE AS IT IS :(

SO pleaseeeeeeeee! let there be someone good @ 5pm thurs ata tutorial :(

on a diff note,

ben is going to qld tmrs! lucky lucky! he is going to some place off the coast, and his ticket coasted 1000bucks! lucky he doesn't have to pay for it... he prob gets to stay at an awesome resort too! ah wells, MAYBE we will go qld at the end of the year - we'll see!

i am currently so-in-love with pink. baby pink, nude pink, hot pink. tis very nice with black. i have a lot of black clothes! i am also in search of a gold scarf.. dark goldenish scarf! i recently got some goodies off ebay - a new cardi and agnes b wallet~ woohoo~

i realise now.. how many scarves i actually have in my closet. dad had to put up 2 sets of hangers for all my scarves, picture blog next time~

lover and i might be going to see dolphins next sat! i'm excited!! it's a long drive to sorrento!!

lately, i've been spending money on little things - i tihink it makes me feel better than actually buying items of clothing. ie. nail polish, scarves, food!

oh wells :):) i have a job now! muhehehehe i mean, i'm not earning A LOT but it's ok for the time being.

i need to put in my resume for some accounting firms tbh, hopefully i'll get a part time job.

uni life is back to lunch with massive group on tues, and thurs dates with von~

she just got a new cruze haha happy to the max! very funny when she drove it over the other day, we were pressing any button we could find in the car!!

anyhows, i'm offffff! :) blog soon again!

haha my english is so bad

2009-07-16T05:29:00.000-07:00

ok, i havent blogged a very deep and meaningful blog lately (it's been ages!)

partly bcos i sense that many read this blog, those who perhaps........ have not see me let my guard down. but today is different, i'm going to push that thought away, so here it goes:

i have times where i am a very over-the-top pessimist.

i only look at the bad, occasionally consider the good, but then just continue critisizing. i've done it severely with myself.. lately. i've conjured up in my mind that by critisizing myself, my results and actions ... it will encourage me to do better. i've let myself believe that... i'm actually, not that smart (sry for the bluntness) and hence, all my achievements were by luck. i also started/still believing that a person's intelligence is only to a certain level. no matter how much you cram and learn, you are only capable of so much. you cannot push beyond your limits - you can never rise to a level you were never meant to be in. all this negativity... has made me believe that i am actually a shit person. i'm only an average person, getting average marks. i know there are people out there who would look at me after i tell them this, and just say 'wtf is wrong with you tammy, you're smart!' and ramble ramble ramble. but i didn't see it. i really really didn't. i was more concerned about my picture, not how other people saw this same picture.

i watched lipstick jungle the other day - and it made a very good point. we look at others, and compare others to ourselves. everything we say, is in comparison to ourselves. think about every comment you've made when someone asks you for a perspective. those who feel less capable would say that with admiration and envy. those more capable would look down and say that with... pity, and gladness that they are not in that position.

i led myself to admire and loathe those ...more intelligent and witty people. those with more in their life, than i.. at this age of 19 (i really believed i had achieved nothing). i challenged myself and competited with others, in a way that ruined who i really am. i challenged myself to my closest role model, my boyfriend. people say that competition is good, but for me - it is the worst kind of motivation. i never told ben of this mindset, and i actually battled between myself. i led myself down the wrong thinking path.

as you can tell, a lot of this is academically and occupationally related. i mean, i felt like i wasn't going to get the grades i wanted and because of that, i wouldn't get the job i wanted. i let myself think that.. if i don't get it this way, i never will. i aimed very high, and for that, i fell very hard.

i think a lot of the times, people feel that they don't want to discuss their real personal life online because then everyone finds out, and everyone talks, and then it goes round and round. i'm going to break free of that a little. because my boyfriend left for adelaide at the start of this week for work reasons. and i told him, i needed space to sort myself out - i needed time to think. the underlying reason, i needed time to accept myself. and i have. i had a little epiphany, realisation, whatever you want to call it. and now......... i think i see the better side of things (this sounds like those holy moments).

i am, who i am. i'm not going to live a life identical to him, or to anyone else for that matter. the things i've experienced in my life, and the choices - whether bad or good - were my own choices. the people i chose to let go of, the people i will choose to allow into my circle... it's all for MY own goodness. but the only thing, that will be parallel to my role model, is where i will end up. i will be just as good - but good in my own way. i will get there, however long it may take me... but it won't be based on how anyone percieves me, it will be based on my own faith.

****

2009-07-14T15:48:00.000-07:00

why do i keep pushing people away?

what's wrong with me?

why am i feeling this way?

can i get any answers in here?!!

2009-06-29T06:32:00.000-07:00

i am used to getting things my way
and for that, i admit that i am spoilt
very spoilt.

up to this very day, i still throw tantrums when things don't go my way.
biggest girly-girl in the entire world.

maybe it's just me being moody...
hmmm
i really wish i wasn't this way.
because i know i end up upsetting myself.. but most importantly,
i upset others - esp my parents.

tonight, i was being very inconsiderate.
(...i just kept blaming pms)
i got upset over something very little and insignificant
and i blew it up into a gigantic mess
it wasn't until my dad came home,
when i realised how wrong i was.
i am stubborn, and i hate admitting i am wrong.. and i don't think i've ever said sorry....
it's so hard for me to apologise... but i hope you know that i regret chucking a sissy fit (and feel pretty shit abt it)

i really have to stop pulling this stunt. it's not even a stunt, i just can't find the right word atm.
but i have to stop it.
ben's copped it a lot, my bro has, my mum and dad have.
urgh.
TAMMY, WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU??

2009-06-23T05:18:00.000-07:00

my exams finished last week
it's a very good feeling.... freedom!

had a little crash the other day
but of course.... my bestfriend always saves me from falling too fast,
let alone hitting the ground.

hmmm....picture blog up soon ~~
cbf tonight
T_T K watch tv now!

2009-05-23T06:51:00.000-07:00

BB driving home now... so while i wait for him..... i shall blog

Today:
bb has been sleeping over for past 3 days cos he has to work all the way in morwell!
but he came home early yday and i made him dinner :)
we've stayed home for the past few days.. i quite like it!
we spent most of our time in bed watching tv hehehehe
anyhow........ tODAy we slept in and then decided to go out in the afternoon
we ended up going to some place in mt waverley and bought goodies for our cars!!
so now.. we both have identical yoshi, hamburger cd cases, car scenters (CK1 inspired woohoo~) and SUPER BLUETOOTHS in our cars!!!!! sooo cool!! im very excited to use it!
we came home, watched youtube clips..
and then madagascar 2... and then meet the fockers... and then scrubs! awesssssssssomeness!
PS. thnx em for the hearted pastry! was yum haha

Tuesday:
bb took me to crown towers to celebrate my bday
ah.. we went to eat @ number 8.... was a good (& expensive!) dinner
but bb insisted we 'fine dine' so he just blew a heap of $$ lol.......
the photos are a bit dark.....hummm.... lol that photo with my hands was when i said omg my hands are hugeeeeee!! heheh
it was very fun :) love him for everything he does for me!

Last Friday:
hp with the girls.. haha..... it was fun
then we went to coco lounge [my phone so stupidly ran out of batteries]
and thehy nonstop shouted me cocktails
finished the night with a hot cup of soy milk made from darren <3 <3

Last Tuesday:
went to melba @ langham hotel... v expensive dinner.. buffet - which was pretty cool cos there are stations and u ask them to cut sushi for u, or make stirfry, pasta or indian naan bread
lots of desserts.. so em and i went crazy
quite similar to docklands new quay, a little tweaked but yeeeeeeeeh!
bb wasnt going to go that night.. cos he was working in geelong
but then asked his senior and ended up coming! twas happy happy! lol

.....SOME time ago:
ya..... so these are just random photos when i got my new blackberry bold - my bb#2.. wheeeeeehehehehe LOVES IT loves it! i can understand why its a crackberry man :|:|:|:| addicted! yeah... oh, ya - this particular night when these phottos were taken.. we went to galatic and bought these cards to play for a whole hr.. nonstop
lol
mass tekken and street fighter... so addicted!

when i was looking for boots......... but no luck :(

**

everything has been good lately
exams coming up.. i am quite nervous........ so need to study hard!!
><
PPS. merlin is so cool!! i love watching it on sundays! muhahahaha

2009-05-06T05:44:00.000-07:00

there are three pictures...
one - a person watching a bird in its nest
two - a person chasing a bird
three - a person with a bird sitting on their shoulder

which picture do u like the most?

*

there are many different ways a person can experience their own 'sense of achievement'
you can look into your past - indulge in your awards, merits and efforts
or you can enjoy the compliments and praises you recieve from others
or even look at what you have in the present... what you've gained and achieved.

right now, i'm looking for a new sense of achievement
i'm starting to learn.. i am a person, who dislikes being un-knowledgeable (don't know the opposite, this will do)
i'm persistent to find out how to do things, perhaps not necessarily on my own
but i like being taught ... and then knowing how to complete things myself.
i suppose... this is one of the reasons my new goal
is something very very VERY beyond my league
i mean, i want this so badly - it probably matches how much i wanted my vce enter
but sadly......... this goal is not straight forward as vce
it requires lots of work - academically and physically
bringing things to a whole new level
i don't like sitting on the fence, i want to be better than i am now.

TIME TO WORK V-E-R-Y HARD!!
- aja aja fighting! -

2009-04-28T04:36:00.000-07:00

shit....

i'm turning 19 soon.

2009-04-27T04:33:00.000-07:00

it's coming

very

very

very

soon...

my lover is home <3

2009-04-19T05:03:00.000-07:00

these were taken.. just then
and seeing as we never take photos, these are a big achievement
shame the eeepc cam ain't that good
bebs is back, bought yoshi's for our car
and quilt shoulder bag for me! love love
i didn't want one saying chanel on it :)

2009-04-12T22:24:00.000-07:00

here you go emily...
i'm an -okay fan of zebra stripes, i mean.. i'd wear those stockings
but most likely not the dress!!

so.... i'm considering investing in some patent leather leggings...
but the thing is, they might just be a bit too shiny for me...
so my mum told me to opt for a less shinier pair, with a bit more design on it too
afraid that i might end up looking like a skank.. or white trash,
i must carefully(!) choose what i team it up with.

it looks like my phase with headbands is starting to simmer again
but i might choose the material bounded ones over the plastic-y looking ones, not that i am that in to them.....
and my love for scarves always reappears during winter season (hence why, i like to buy my friends lots and lots of scarves....)
MAYBE. just maybe. i will be daring and buy a leopard printed scarf
but the other says he does not like it! - his opinion does have some significant effect on my choices.
but u would never think that leopard prints can vary so much!! oh well ~
i haven't really been shopping much.. but when i do feel the need to splurge... i buy nail polish!
so my collection has grown.. :S bad thing is that i only use the colour once and then i get bored of it. french manicures (which i have right now....) is losing its touch on me!! noooo ~

anyway, once again i'm sick of talking
i will go back to studying
toodles!

** re-edit
a bit more research...
they are 'latex-looking' leather leggins
hm... pretty cool.

i feel like watching sex and the city now.. :(

2009-04-11T05:57:00.000-07:00

SO ANYWAY..

woohoo! one week of holiday is better than nothing
too bad i'll be working hard :(

drove bebs and his parents to airport today..
he won't be back til next week! that is so sucky!!

I'M considering trading my ds in for a dsi..
but i'm not really sure if the features are worth it...
because the r4 won't work any longer.. which makes it really gay..

hummms.... getting new phone in a month or so.. very excited!!
have to get car fixed..... haven't yet.. but hopefully i will soon hehe ~

omg.. sat movies are terrible! i'm so tired right now............
laters!

2009-04-06T18:27:00.000-07:00

i feel like that choc pudding at new quay.....
:( and then go gym
ONLY FEEL LIKE IT.....

**

cbf doing work
bludge a bit
hmmmm....... i need to make a new list of things that i want
but i am kinda put off by buying new clothes/accessories....
just because i spend so much these days @ uni
:(
i need a stable income.
SO......yes
to avoid buying/liking materialistic things..
i decided to not go to any shopping centres, and once i finish uni - to go straight home
it's working quite well
but then......
i jump online....... and see too much things i want.
i will update this a bit more when i have researched.. more :)

2009-04-02T03:55:00.000-07:00

everyone hates being weak
everyone loves being stubborn.

2009-03-30T04:05:00.000-07:00

i got a msg today
telling me,
a friend got engaged
i got way too happy in the library
only to find out it was a prank........
HRMMMMMS........
THE GIRL WHO CRIED WOLF.......

anyway....... i want my purple nails again :( but had better stay off dark for a bit
shaaaaalalallala
=(

2009-03-27T02:16:00.000-07:00

i believe i am a very conscious person.
by that.. i mean that, i am very aware of my surroundings.
i don't just sit and watch
i watch and i wonder and i ponder.
very in depth...........
the thing is.. i am also very well aware of
what i receive and what i am prepared to give
often the case is always.. asking:
is it beneficial for me?
(as a rational thinker would say......)
yes, i act according to my own benefits
however....
sometimes benefiting isn't a factor or a reason why i undertake my actions
sometimes it's just about me... following what i think i should do
regardless of what i get in return

similarly
i am also a very time conscious person
a lot of the times, i believe i am very punctual
i mean.. i used to not be, but i've changed
it's like i've got an alarm clock inside of me... or a personal plannner
because i tend to work out very precisely how long i would need to get to places
how long i need to get ready by.
it's a tad weird, a tad scary............
but it is me ~

T_T ok enough for nowss...
my tummy hurts :(

2009-03-26T05:08:00.000-07:00

had mb yday with bb and anth
omgggggg
feeling fat!
got 9/10 for mc!! wooohoooooooo!
pbl test tmr
:(

anyway..
i've been very interested in fossil jewellry lately
it's quite different and i like it!
hmmm...

2009-03-22T15:47:00.000-07:00

i really feel like making cupcakes
i had a dream last night........ that i actually made those cupcakes
(ps. emily, they were your blue swirly cupcakes)
i might make some later on

so heaps of work
so little time!!

i'm sooooooo in loveeeeeeeee

2009-03-19T17:02:00.000-07:00

hmmm
skippinng uni today
qm is so boring i fall asleep in every lecture

V_V"

bb is at home doing his assignment.... lol! due at 4 and so he decides to skip work
to 'work at home'
hmmmmmm maybe i will go visit him
but he said he didn't want any 'distractions'
harharharho

everyone feels so pov lately!!!
i feel pov~
trying not to eat out as much
but
i did buy a new nailpolish the other day
its dark purple........but so dark it looks black!!
i loves it~ (i do NOT look emo)))))))))))

lunch is usually with von now
omg shes so annoying (i hope u read this hahahaha)
naaaaaaaaaaaaaaaw shes cool ~ cool friend ~ the only one i can stand HAHAHha

i sound like a psycho
too overly happy that i am having, once again
4 day weekend :)
PEACE!

2009-03-19T04:40:00.000-07:00

just finished drafting accounting assignment WOOOHOOooo
need to do micro & qm assignments...

MUST revise PBL badly so i don't get beaten
MUST do FAT mc questions

acnting audio
and all tute workssssss

mahahanahaha
far from fun!
that's it for now :)

2009-03-18T03:20:00.000-07:00

recently, i've had a lot of trouble blogging.
there's nothing i really seem passionate about.. enough to put to words.
uni life, relationships... all these ups and downs i experience,
seem to go by really quickly - perhaps too quickly
it may be so fast that i feel no need to blog about my feelings
- they have already passed before i can begin to describe them.

*

NO DRAMAS! :)

2009-03-13T16:18:00.000-07:00

i actually feel quite emotionally tired right now
as if.. i cannot deal with anything that comes my way
well - not like i usually do.

quick blog before i start studying...

2009-03-12T01:12:00.000-07:00

uni becoming quite difficult
mainly because i have never done accounting and micro before
commerce is too abstract for me
gotta pull through
qm has taking me back to probability, stdev's and shit

had dinner at sails last friday
freaking $300 dinner. shoot me.
and then i lost at crown
but had a drink to make up for it

i need to find a job
MUST APPLY THIS WEEK...
and that's about it for now. update later :)

have to keep up with all this accounting shit
and at this rate, looks like i won't ever be missing a lecture :|

2009-03-11T03:46:00.000-07:00

i was very angry last night

i don't think i deserve to be here.

ah-hoy thereeeee

2009-03-08T05:29:00.000-07:00

haven't blogged in yonks!!
so....... WHAT HAS BEEN UP WITH YOU?
you may ask...

well - for starters, uni has started
awesome awesome awesome.
although a lot of people do not seem to be enjoying it..
i for one, am enjoying going into lectures.. sitting next to randoms and just start blabbing
haha - so much for long term friends.....! but well worth it~
hmmm accounting is horrible though - terrible lecturer :(

had some up and downs, as i always do
but now i am much better!
i am planning to take up piano again and get my l.mus
it is a big commitment...
but i really wnat to do it!
hmmmmm....... cynthia has started !!

went dinner wtih b's parents tnite
jap food - yum!!

ok i dont feel like blogging anymore
until next time,
adios ~

2009-01-21T17:57:00.000-08:00

hmm
uni offers came out - went to fed sq
ben and i were all sweaty and shit.. and i said: ok if i get into my course we're going to go buy bathers and go swimming
when we got to fed sq, we lined up for newspaper...
opened it up (this was when my knees all retarded and weak and shit)
and then i found my name
and i started screaming and jumping up and down
we ended up going swimming the next day b/c we endded up being too lazy
had lots of fun at the pool cos we got all the noodle foam things and tried to make ourselvesn stay afloat - needed 4 hahahahhaa yeah that was fun.

and then i also went with rachel to go shopping
got some o-gooodies

today i went with dad to richmond, hoping to get some oroton frames
sally was closed - i was angry
i am still angry.

sweet stuff.

2009-01-17T01:42:00.000-08:00

yday i went to watch marley and me
i drove to crown
i was in bad traffic - crawling speed
i started reading my book in traffic
and then i starting play DS
like omg.

anyway, i feel like screaming :)

2009-01-16T15:19:00.000-08:00

so i have an ear infection
i'm deaf in the left ear so if u stand on that side whilst talking to me
i only catch some of what you're saying
... i picked up the phone at work yday and listened with my left ear
the guy had to repeat half of what he was saying

i am really not excited because i have to work today, again.

god i need to do something exciting

re-edit**
i have 15 mins to get ready and pop into my car and drive to work
...... still in bed + pj's

2009-01-13T04:21:00.000-08:00

ok - so i had so much trouble sleeping last night .. lots of trouble.
i lay in bed twisting and turning
and a thought came up
(now.. i am in no way suggesting anything, nor suggesting i want anything like this for the matter - well, not for the moment)

when do couples in a relationship realise they want to get married?
like... is it really in movies where you suddenly realise your s/o is so important to you, that you want to spend the rest of your life with them?
i'm sure in some cases.. it's more of 'damn we've been together for 10 years, might as well'
or it may be others edging you on to become officially ''one''
if a relationship is breezing through perfectly fine, perhaps sometimes you don't want to fuck things up by getting married - i don't know
i'm not really sure what point i am making

on the other hand, i just came back from dars
i saw a guy eating rock deli chips and i'm like, 'awesome! WHERE DID U GET THEM??'
he pointed to the kitchen table, behind the sofa ...
so i ran for it - as i do with my food
and ran straight into heavy dingdong weights behind the sofa
so now, my foot is totally bruised
and also, golf seem to take a big effect on me .. my hip muscles and arms are in great pain

that's it for today :)
cheeeeeerio!

ps. my god it is so hot - i am still not a big fan of the beach because i am quite fair skinned and burn way - way too easily :( then it hurts :(

2009-01-11T23:51:00.000-08:00

i wonder if i am slowly losing my opinion on things.
or perhaps i am slowly adapting opinions of others, and forgetting to think.
OR MAYBE i am forgetting how to think
(i have been sick for the past 2 days, i still have a fever)

i have been distanting myself from others.. for the past month or so
i'm not sure if it's because i want to ... or because things have just fallen like this
my once-upon-a-time close friends .. well, i wouldn't say we don't contact each other anymore - but it is less than it used to be
it may well be because i spend too much time with my s/o
but.. at the same time, my s/o provides me a safety net i can always lean on.

i understand what i have to do..
and what i need to do in order to achieve it
(i'm sure i've used this line so many times............)

but maybe i need to simmer in this laziness for a bit longer...
hmmmmmm......

*

i went to play golf yday
ben bought a new golf club set..... so it's cool 8-)
but now i aam seriosuly sore all over- you would never guess right??
saving up for a new phone :)
and YEHH
right now i am talking to jimmy
hohohohhoho
and he will read this
ok
byebye

2009-01-03T19:10:00.000-08:00

new year, a new beginning.

- or so they say

i didn't write a 'last blog of 08' because i didn't know what i wanted to capture. was i going to try and fit in all the - good and bad - i experienced in '08? or all the relationships i gained, lost or found? was i going to be thankful on those who made an impact on me? no.. i didn't want to write anything like that. perhaps time has diluted memories and feelings i once had... because right now, sitting in my bf's room and writing this.. i don't want to give any thank you notes, or any i'm sorry's. i don't want to say what i want to become in '09 ... because the truth is, i don't know.

a lot of people use ny's resolutions to try and become a better person.. truth is, you forget that you have a ny resolution until the end of the year arrives. we try and make ourselves a little better by perhaps 'commiting' to a stupid vow we make at the transition of the coming year.. lets save ourselves already. a new year doesn't make us better, it just refreshes your mind for the new bullshit to come. happy enduring guys!

ps. this is a very blunt blog, because half way through.. i thought of a friend who has recently hurt me. therefore, some of the contents....... may not be exactly what i think. i think.

2008-12-07T03:11:00.000-08:00

:)

yaaaaaay
went to luna park last week
went on all the rides with my bebs =)
we had so much fun!!
then todaay we went to vic market
we walked til we were sooooo tired... !!
didn't end up buying anything but looking at the diff things was heaps fun =)
love my bebs ~~ hehe <3

2008-12-04T23:02:00.000-08:00

helloo there my friend!

i'm back i'm back i'm back!
well, its been quite some time since my exams.. and i've actually completed SOME things, not a lot:

- clean my room
- apply for RSA
- furniture shopping
- facebook (yes that's a new one for me!)
- xanga (xanga.com/cup_of_milo... sadly, i will be leaving xanga as .. i have become to used to the simplicity of blogspot that i no longer remember how to use xanga. creds to emily for finding name!)
- watch way too much tv

it's good to not have any worries for the time being.. but at the same time, i can't help but feel a little uneasy. holidays are a good time to relax.. but at the same time, i am doing absolutely nothing. i've starting to see how materialistic people can be.. esp some of those around me, it seems their materialism has indeed enlarged - a level i never thought i would see.

within myself, i know i want a lot. i want to be more.. infact, i want to be in a place which will inspire me to do more.. but this lazing around is getting me no where but poorer, and less places to go to. quite monotomous

at the same time, my social life does seem quite a handful. infact - i'm not really sure how to handle it. i'm caught in between two set of minds. one, i would think.. it is a good time to let myself free a little, renew friendships and experience some years that i most likely won't be able to take back. however, i feel that i have placed a limitation on myself. in fact, i've placed this on myself for the whole year - and it doens't feel safe enough for me to break free from it.

i'm not quite sure what to do.

a little something for myself...

2008-10-18T23:44:00.000-07:00

so here's what i plan to do, after my exams

- get my cert to serve alcohol + do that course thing to learn how to mix drinks
- redeco my room.. that is, new bed, new cupboards, new tv, new everything
- xmas lunch, yes this year i am cooking up a feast!
- rekindle with my old social life, if i ever had one
- road trip...? or sydney anth and kl with b
- lakes entrance (omg....) this is a maybe, btw
- knit, my xanga, cook
- new wardrobe

see - lots to do
keep your eye on your target, and don't lose faith in what you do
giving up is for shit kunts..... and i am not one of those.

*********

on another note,
RIP popo
(L)
with love always

2008-10-12T17:16:00.000-07:00

weeeeeeeeeeee~

anyway, exams VERY VERY SOON
and i just finished writing an english essay
so i will blog for a tad

firstly.. (actually this is the only topic i'm going to blog about today)
happy one year anni my loverrrrr !!!
yay!!!!!
he decided to suprise me
so last night, he drove up to the mountainsss
was a nice driveeee !
we watched the sunset... and we walked around the gardens ~
very pretttttttty!
and then after we had dinner at the restaurant.......
so we stayed in the mountains for a couple of hours
and we sawwww city lightsssssss YAY! my favouriteee :)
it was a great night, i love him to absolute bits!
amazing amazing amazinggGggggg !!!

ok enough '!!!'
exams are in.. 2 weeks .. lol
and like usual, lots of stress.. more than usual actually
i need those zen balls
T_T" omlord
ok
love u all byebye

2008-09-19T01:57:00.000-07:00

i have to admit
i'm not too good at controlling my mood swings.
i am literally, so moody that i can change my attitude towards things within an hour.
now, from experience, there is one little caution girls should keep in mind when they realise they are having a bad run with mood swings...
and that is,
never
never
never
never
act according to 'spur of the moment' thoughts

i stress this a lot because your flaws and mistakes come out when you do act irrationally. you say things you don't mean and you most likely end up hurting those who love you the most. these moments do not reflect who you truly are - well, at least for me they don't.

yeah. i fucked up today - haha.