As I grow older, I've realise I know less about myself.

I don't understand a lot of my actions, I don't understand most of my feelings. I know I'm on a constant rollercoaster of emotions..

and yet, I constantly seek to find myself amongst everyone I know. Everyone I confide in, I know I am searching for something within them... or searching for the person I am when I am in their presence.

Exactly two years ago, I know I was feeling confused and hurt.

Exactly one year ago, I know I was feeling content.

This year? I don't have an adjective to describe how I feel, I guess I am still searching.

things can turn ugly, very quickly

I forget how quickly things can change - more specifically - how people can change.

You think you know someone... and the next minute, they become someone you hardly recognize. I have always believed the good in people. And no matter how much a person can change, their character stays real...

But sometimes it's hard to see.

I still believe in the good.. but that doesn't mean I have to wait around for you.

No matter what, people will just keep taking and taking and taking from you....





until you say stop.

Solace.

I'm not stupid, I'm not naive. I gave you everything, and you let it all go in one split second.

 I have learned to let go of a lot of things this year, in particular, grudges I have held against people for too many years. I am no longer angry, but instead seeking comfort amongst all of this. I don't want anymore emotional baggage. This is my own way of dealing with this.

I'm not perfect, and I'm sure that I will crash again soon - but I'm ready for it.

I'll be okay in the end. 

The only person you can really trust is yourself. 

Only you can be in control of your thoughts, to dig yourself out of any darkness. You are the only person who can provide comfort when everyone deserts you, when everyone leaves you and betrays you. The only encouragement you should listen to, is the ones that you give yourself. 

Every new day brings new challenges - embrace, learn and grow. 

Learning to be honest

I believe that the older I get, the harder it is for me to be honest with myself. I have realised that I have failed to admit, on several accounts, my true feelings towards certain situations. Maybe it is because I over analyse situations, over analyse my own thoughts.. and in the end, I confuse not only myself, but also my feelings.

For my new years resolution, I will try to be honest with myself. I will try to understand my own feelings and learn to communicate this to others.

when i look back, i know i wouldn't have done it any other way.

i needed this. i needed to realise what was important to me. and now that i do realise, it's time to fight for it.

i miss.

i miss waking up to your face, snoozing in on a sunday morning
i miss your driving, no matter how reckless i think you can be at times
i miss you eating the food i cook, because when you compliment me - it motivates me
i miss watching movies with you, in bed, at the cinemas
i miss eating silently with you.. it is comforting to know that we don't always need to talk
i miss our random trips to coles, to buy unnecessary items to cater to our laziness
i miss your hugs, they always make me feel safe
i miss going on roller coaster rides with you, because you are always there when i chicken out at the last minute
i miss the fact that you are always willing to go swimming with me, no matter how lazy you feel
i miss you letting me make decisions on what to eat for dinner, it worked out easier for us both
i miss your smile, that smile kept me going.

I've been so preoccupied with trying to pinpoint how I feel that I have forgotten what is important.

It is important to realise that no one is perfect, that there is no one in this world that could possibly fulfil everyone's expectations. We are all flawed, all messed up... and all broken. But it is how we make of these broken pieces, which is most important.

The power of words.

Don't listen to me, because all I will give you are words.

hold on to me tight,
promise me it will be all right...

this game is not for the ones with a light heart.

Sometimes the right thing to do.. is to turn the other way and just keep walking.

We are all afraid of being alone. But we'll make it through.

Just have some faith. There is love in this world.

Is that all I am to you?

wanting:

1. grow my damn fringe out + straight cut my hair
2. cut some bangs in my hair again, totally contradicting #1
3. get some back ups of my HG Dior scupt lifting smoothing concealer
4. find my perfect winter coat, although, this might not happen since winter is drawing to an end
5. buy a new shiseido white lucent cleansing foam
6. fix the damn colour on my phone
7. stop buying new clothes, learn to dig into my closet more since there are so many pieces i never wear anymore
8. perhaps book in a stall @ camberwell mkt??
9. new majorlica majorca masacara or original fairydrops masacara
10. get my sideways cross necklace
11. new curler. yes, new curler.

time to make the right choices.

I like being in control of many things that happen in my life. I like controlling people in my life.

Lately, I've been wondering whether this is a good or bad thing...

Is there a difference in being a control freak over your loved ones vs. being overprotective of them? It's a fine line.

Firstly, I know I am overprotective. I don't like it when he goes out on one on one dates with his female friends. I don't like it when I am aware that he speaks to them on the phone. I don't like it when I see slight inappropriate comments on his fb with other girls.

But I think all of this leads to the fact that I don't want to lose him to some other girl...

& yes, I'm the type of girlfriend that likes knowing where he is, what he is doing.

I seem to be the epitome of a disastrous girlfriend.

Should I accept who I am? Because he doesn't seem to mind that I am like this...

But I DO mind that I am this way. It obstructs me from doing the things I want to do, it stops me from living my life the way I should.

And to be honest, he doesn't show the same overprotectiveness/controlling traits like I do... and in a way, it makes me feel like the stupid, vulnerable one.. & maybe if he does show me this side more often, I wouldn't feel like the stupid one. In a way, his unwillingness makes me feel like I love him more than he loves me... even though I know it really isn't the case.

I don't want to be the stupid one who gets her heart broken because she stupidly gave everything and exposed her feelings too much.

After my last r'ship, I promised myself that whoever I would be with next, I would communicate all my feelings to them. I wouldn't let things conjure up inside of me and make a mess of it.

But maybe, this is what I need to do again. Be strong, stop showing how I feel... and control myself first.

the problem was never her. it was me all along. i was just way too overprotective and didn't want to share you with anyone else.

My motivations in life should be for myself, not for anyone else. It seems that I lost that part of me by having you around.

Remembering and learning that it is okay to be by yourself once in a while.

" We make a living by what we get, but we make a life with what we give" - Sir Winston Churchill

Thank you for what you have done for me. I understand what I mean to you. My only hope is that you will one day see that I would do the same for you.

*

The past 3 weeks seem like a roller coaster ride. And as I try to explain to my family and friends how I feel each day, I think it's tiresome for them... and beginning to be stressful for me.

Yes, I do need you in my life. Yes, I do want you to remain in my life as my other half.

But as I continue to dwell in these horrible feelings, I slowly lose myself...

What do I want to do with my own life? Maybe if I figure this out first.... I'll have hope finding a proper solution.