it's 12:18am atm, i'm about to go to sleep. but i will blog before i go to bed...

i had an assessment day today. turns out my phone interview was not TOO bad and actually got a call back.

half way during the assessment day... i thought to myself... why am i doing this? honestly.. why am i putting myself in these nerve-racking situations? why did i start commerce? why did i want to apply for big 4 firms? is it because i have no idea what i like? because a part of me still doesn't know if i truly like commerce. i think I've made myself believe i do, but do i truly? does it matter if i don't really like it? what else would i be doing if i didn't like it?

i admire people who find passion. i admire people who know what they like... people who have a strong inclination to certain things/jobs/ideas. i personally don't carry that OTT driven passion for commerce, i suppose it is more so.. settling. is it wrong?

i don't think so.

i've always thought of myself as a hater for those who are fake. for those who... do something they don't truly like... because i've always thought it just shows that you are not genuine.. or true to myself. but i've come to this cross roads where i'm facing the situation. infact, i am a floater. i don't know what i like. but i don't think it is wrong to try different things. perhaps one day, i'll hit the jackpot.

i had a partner interview today.. and one of the questions was "what was a change that was imposed on to you, and how did you deal with it? what did you learn about yourself in the process?"

to that question, i answered ... university. university was and still is a big change for me. i suppose i just randomly dove into commerce, not knowing what to expect.. but it's a chance i took.. and it's this chance that has led me to where i am today.

albeit, i do have one offer already under my sleeve. and i might just be too greedy going to this assessment today because i want another summer vac job.

but today.. after my assessment.. i told my s/o about every detail. and to that, he replied in the most honest manner "i am proud of you". he was proud of me... not just because i had the courage to turn up or because i am willing to face rejection... he was proud of me because after all my experiences, i have truly learned something. i have learnt to be much more confident in myself and in my abilities. i have not only found that confidence in myself, but i have the ability to show it to others. i suppose it was really evident in the interview because i thought to myself... "hey, i have the ability to steer this interview into any direction i like". and that is a quality which is not easy to accomplish.

i've learnt so much about myself.. and only good can come of this. whether it be a rejection or another offer, we will just have to see.

sometimes i set expectations for myself which are too challenging or too high to achieve. this serves as a good motivator, but at the same time, sometimes i don't give myself enough credit or refuse to see how good i really am. but in the end, the journey ... might just be more important.

"aim for the moon; even if you miss you will land among the stars"