partly bcos i sense that many read this blog, those who perhaps........ have not see me let my guard down. but today is different, i'm going to push that thought away, so here it goes:
i have times where i am a very over-the-top pessimist.
i only look at the bad, occasionally consider the good, but then just continue critisizing. i've done it severely with myself.. lately. i've conjured up in my mind that by critisizing myself, my results and actions ... it will encourage me to do better. i've let myself believe that... i'm actually, not that smart (sry for the bluntness) and hence, all my achievements were by luck. i also started/still believing that a person's intelligence is only to a certain level. no matter how much you cram and learn, you are only capable of so much. you cannot push beyond your limits - you can never rise to a level you were never meant to be in. all this negativity... has made me believe that i am actually a shit person. i'm only an average person, getting average marks. i know there are people out there who would look at me after i tell them this, and just say 'wtf is wrong with you tammy, you're smart!' and ramble ramble ramble. but i didn't see it. i really really didn't. i was more concerned about my picture, not how other people saw this same picture.
i watched lipstick jungle the other day - and it made a very good point. we look at others, and compare others to ourselves. everything we say, is in comparison to ourselves. think about every comment you've made when someone asks you for a perspective. those who feel less capable would say that with admiration and envy. those more capable would look down and say that with... pity, and gladness that they are not in that position.
i led myself to admire and loathe those ...more intelligent and witty people. those with more in their life, than i.. at this age of 19 (i really believed i had achieved nothing). i challenged myself and competited with others, in a way that ruined who i really am. i challenged myself to my closest role model, my boyfriend. people say that competition is good, but for me - it is the worst kind of motivation. i never told ben of this mindset, and i actually battled between myself. i led myself down the wrong thinking path.
as you can tell, a lot of this is academically and occupationally related. i mean, i felt like i wasn't going to get the grades i wanted and because of that, i wouldn't get the job i wanted. i let myself think that.. if i don't get it this way, i never will. i aimed very high, and for that, i fell very hard.
i think a lot of the times, people feel that they don't want to discuss their real personal life online because then everyone finds out, and everyone talks, and then it goes round and round. i'm going to break free of that a little. because my boyfriend left for adelaide at the start of this week for work reasons. and i told him, i needed space to sort myself out - i needed time to think. the underlying reason, i needed time to accept myself. and i have. i had a little epiphany, realisation, whatever you want to call it. and now......... i think i see the better side of things (this sounds like those holy moments).
i am, who i am. i'm not going to live a life identical to him, or to anyone else for that matter. the things i've experienced in my life, and the choices - whether bad or good - were my own choices. the people i chose to let go of, the people i will choose to allow into my circle... it's all for MY own goodness. but the only thing, that will be parallel to my role model, is where i will end up. i will be just as good - but good in my own way. i will get there, however long it may take me... but it won't be based on how anyone percieves me, it will be based on my own faith.
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