I like being in control of many things that happen in my life. I like controlling people in my life.
Lately, I've been wondering whether this is a good or bad thing...
Is there a difference in being a control freak over your loved ones vs. being overprotective of them? It's a fine line.
Firstly, I know I am overprotective. I don't like it when he goes out on one on one dates with his female friends. I don't like it when I am aware that he speaks to them on the phone. I don't like it when I see slight inappropriate comments on his fb with other girls.
But I think all of this leads to the fact that I don't want to lose him to some other girl...
& yes, I'm the type of girlfriend that likes knowing where he is, what he is doing.
I seem to be the epitome of a disastrous girlfriend.
Should I accept who I am? Because he doesn't seem to mind that I am like this...
But I DO mind that I am this way. It obstructs me from doing the things I want to do, it stops me from living my life the way I should.
And to be honest, he doesn't show the same overprotectiveness/controlling traits like I do... and in a way, it makes me feel like the stupid, vulnerable one.. & maybe if he does show me this side more often, I wouldn't feel like the stupid one. In a way, his unwillingness makes me feel like I love him more than he loves me... even though I know it really isn't the case.
I don't want to be the stupid one who gets her heart broken because she stupidly gave everything and exposed her feelings too much.
After my last r'ship, I promised myself that whoever I would be with next, I would communicate all my feelings to them. I wouldn't let things conjure up inside of me and make a mess of it.
But maybe, this is what I need to do again. Be strong, stop showing how I feel... and control myself first.
Saturday, June 18, 2011
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